I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
