you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
