A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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