Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
