What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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