I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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