There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
