I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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