we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
