How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
