I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
