Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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