He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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