If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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