Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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