I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
