Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
