and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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