Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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