I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
