hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
