her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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