My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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