What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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