Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
