Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
No...this little piggys going to the bar
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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