One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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