so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
