it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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