tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
