My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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