i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
