Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
