tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
