who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
