He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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