Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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