Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
