does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
