I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
