I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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