She is in my trunk
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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