I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
