apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
