My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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