He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
