wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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