Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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