Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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