I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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