My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
