Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
