I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
