exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
