I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
