I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
