That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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