i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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