If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
